Love

What is Love?

I've heard it said that love isn't just a noun, it's also a verb. That is so true.
It's easy to say I love you to someone but it may be hard to show that love.
When you say I love you to someone, do you just say it in passing? Mean it? Prove it?

I know I'm probably stepping on toes but this has been on my heart for a while.

When someone feels unloved they deal with a lot of different emotions at one time. Indifference is the same as not loving someone to me.

Love is a choice. You can choose to show love or choose to show dislike. Whichever you choose can make or break someone's day.

I just hope that everyday I am able to show my husband and my children that I love them and not just say it to them.

Crazy life

The start if this school year has been a whirlwind.

Alexis got a job right before summer ended and is now juggling school, homework and work.

Autumn wanted to get back into tumbling so she's prepared for high school cheerleading. And also wanted to take a contemporary dance class. And now she's helping teach a dance class too.

My girls like to keep me busy (which I normally don't mind). But there was a lot going on the first few weeks that we are trying to get back into routine for school.

I love that my kids have different interests and are involved in more than just sitting at home playing video games. Alexis is in drama at school and is a wonderful actress. I'm looking forward to watching her in the plays at school. And looking forward to Autumn's recital at the end of the year.

Just a little taste of the craziness that has become my life this month. Hopefully it will slow down soon. :-)

Respect

What is respect?

We are taught from a young age to respect our elders, parents, friends, belongings, etc. But what do you do when you get disrespected all the time?

Should you be disrespected for what you wear? How young you look?

I have been dealing with people disrespecting me because of my age for as long as I can remember. It's tough being a young mom as it is and being told what I should wear and how I should raise my kids bothers me. I thought by now in my life that people would see me as a peer not a child that they have to talk down to.

My feeling with respect is: you give respect to earn respect. It's hard to show respect to someone who treats you horrible or indifferent. I know that you're supposed to treat people the way you want to be treated but that is a hard thing to do.

This is one thing in my life that I need to work on.

NYC fun

This past weekend Alexis, Sharon and I went to NYC. This was Alexis' 16th birthday present. We flew up early Friday morning (which was hard for me since I haven't flown in a long time). The plane had tvs on the back of every seat so it made it a little less scary to be on the plane. We landed in NYC early and hopped into our very first taxi cab. I have heard how bad the taxis drive but wasn't really prepared for the experience. We got to our beautiful hotel and checked in, left our bags with the bellman and headed out to explore the city. We walked to Times Square and I have to say that it was amazing. We enjoyed looking at all the different buildings. I love how there's a modern building next to an older building with lots of character. It was soon lunch so we stopped in a little cafe to eat something. Headed out for more exploring. In the afternoon we went back to the hotel to rest up for the broadway show we were going to that night. We got to experience real New York style pizza and I have to say that it was delicious. That night we walked down to the Gershwin Theater to see Wicked. Alexis was beyond excited to see that play. She is a drama kid through and through so a broadway show is right up her alley. Amazing show!!! And when we left the city was all lit up and it's definitely breathtaking.

Saturday, we rode a subway for the first time. Alexis didn't really enjoy the ride so when we got off at Grand Central Station we got a taxi to the museum. She wanted to go to the Museum of Natural History (you know the one from Night of the Museum). Spent a few hours exploring in there and then walked through Central Park to get back to our hotel. We stopped in Central Park and Alexis asked to get her face drawn by one of those street people that draw characters of people. It was a nice relaxing time just sitting watching all the different kinds of people in New York. Made it back to the hotel and rested some more.

Sunday, we made sure we got up and left the hotel in time to get to Serendipity. It's one of those places that you need to be there early and stand in line to eat at. We decided on ice cream for lunch, because that's how we roll when on vaca. I had the best hot fudge sundae ever there. Alexis enjoyed the whole experience there. After we ate she was ready to head home so we headed to the airport. We arrived home and have been smiling ever since.

It was a magical experience to spend a weekend with my beautiful teen and Sharon. I will never forget this trip.

Fun vacation

We just got back from a great weekend at Discovery Cove in Orlando. We were so excited to go because we've never been there before. We've been to Disney a lot, Islands of Adventure a few times, Universal and Sea World. All the different theme parks are fun but this is definitely different. The cost of the experience is worth it!! We rented a house about 20 minutes away from Discovery Cove and drove to the park. We were close enough to Disney that we were able to go into Downtown Disney a couple of times for our favorite treat, Ghiradelli ice cream. Yes, when we are on vacation we have ice cream for dinner.

The whole weekend was a surprise for my uncle Dave who was turning 55. I don't remember ever going on a family trip with him so I was really excited to spend a whole weekend with him and his girlfriend, Ceil. He had no idea that we had this planned.

Friday afternoon we showed up at his house and when he got off work just drove to Orlando. The house we stayed in was really nice and had a screened in pool.

Saturday morning we got up pretty early and got to the park by 8:10am. We wanted to get a good time for our dolphin experience. We check in and are given lanyards with picture ID's to wear all day. We proceeded to go inside and saw a two-toed sloth. I've never seen one of those up close and personal. There were photographers that take your picture when we first come inside. We then got lockers and either wetsuits or vests to wear. Let me say that the water is pretty chilly. Our dolphin experience was so wonderful that it's hard to describe. After we were worn out from a full day there, my uncle, Ceil and dad went to the Jax Sharks game in Orlando. It was really neat that they were playing down there the weekend we are there.

Sunday we got up and went to Aquatica. I have to say that was a cool waterpark to go to. I love our waterpark here but that one was bigger and some crazy rides. We rode almost everything and some things multiple times. Aquatica had an option on their website to order a picnic lunch for a family for an awesome price. So we ordered that and didn't have to worry about standing in line for food or spending a lot of money. We definitely wore ourselves out being in the sun and water all day that day too.

This was an unforgettable weekend for our whole family. And summer has just started so there are more trips to enjoy and new experiences to be had.

Date Night

 In our experience few things recharge your marital batteries like a night out together to a favorite restaurant. All the books, experts and classes always stress keeping a date night together and they are basically right. For us though there are a few key factors that can maximize the benefits.

1) If one of you is a planner by nature then put it on the calendar in advance.

There are people who like to wander about without a plan and people who need to know what is coming so they can prepare.  If one of you needs to plan then plan or your date night will suffer.

2) Go somewhere to eat and have a drink to loosen up and talk without stress, competition or distraction

Activities together is a good idea, movies are great but for us it doesn't seem to have the same bang for your buck. Its amazing how an appetizer and a drink makes everything better so we try to start there unless we are starving and already know what we want to eat.

3) Get food to share.. appetizers, or split a big dinner.

Sometimes the only thing to talk about is your day or what happened at work and having good or bad food shared provides an instant topic that lets you get out of the daily grind together easily.

4) Have a few favorite places where you know how busy they are, where to park and what is good on menu

You don't want to try a new restaurant on every date night cause the idea is relaxing and enjoying each other, and having an understanding of each place, when to go and what to order is shared tribal knowledge between the two of you that brings you close together and keeps the date easy and fun.

5) Business casual??

This is a tough one because there are so many factors, however we have noticed that dressing up can cause extra stress and make things less fun, or it can make the night feel special.  In general we dress for the place we are going and every 4th or 5th date dress a little nicer if we feel like it.

6) To phone or not to phone

We both have smart phones and are constantly checking them when not on a date and it is hard to put them down for any extended period of time so we have unwritten rules around them for dinner. Checking in on Facebook to brag about being out is acceptable, but checking emails, sending messages or browsing the web are taboo

7) People watching

This may just be us but we try to sit near windows, outside or in main traffic areas. Sometimes talking about your relationship and feelings get old and its fun to just watch other people and make comments to each other.

8) Clear understanding of what does and does not constitute a date

This one sounds strange until you talk about it together and realize that it may not be clear. For us, if we go out, spend money without bringing home anything of substance and stay out more than an hour it pretty much counts as a date. Again our most successful dates follow the 8 guidelines above though.

Happy Dating - Us

Money Matters

 We like most people acquired more debt and recurring bills than we would have liked before the economic bubble burst. Our plan had been to run up some debt, then sell our house to pay it off the way we had done once before. Unfortunately with the economic downturn our home value dropped to less than we owed, our credit card companies decided to double our interest rates and minimum payment percentages, and everything from gas to groceries were substantially more expensive nearly overnight. At first it was pretty scary and we had a hard time covering the upswing in cash going out the door.  We cut non essential bills right away, stopped going out and buying new things, but were still losing ground. Our next step was to call our credit companies and negotiate payment plans to reduce our monthly bills, followed by cancelling our home phone, reducing our cable/internet costs and reducing spending on food by switching grocery stores.  There are a lot of resources that tell you what to do when you are in this situation that are more comprehensive, but this worked for us and we are substantially better off today than we were as little as a year ago, and we did not increase our debt with new loans, refinance, file bankruptcy or default on our mortgage or any other payments due. During this time we did everything we could to supplement our income also, but there simply weren't many options.

This is what we did to get out of the hole:

1.  If you call your credit card company and ask for a payment plan they will set one up for you. Not one of them said no, and most allowed for a 5 year plan with no interest.  The payment plan sets up automated payments from your bank account with a lower amount than your normal payment and yet pays more principle than if you just paid your minimum amount. We reduced our monthly bills by about 20% just by this first step, and since have paid off more debt than we did over 2-3 years of regular payments.

2. We started planning our meals, and were more careful about where we bought groceries. This simple process saved us between $200-300 a month that we could use to pay down debt. We also started packing lunches for work rather than buying them.

3. We turned off the home phone ($50) which we never used anyway, changed internet providers($15), changed cable/satellite ($40) and raised the A/C temp by a degree or two. Total savings was around $150 a month.

4. We did still go out some, but looked for deals. $1 slice night at our favorite pizza place replaced the night on the town at a $20 a plate restaurant. $5 movies are still one of our favorite outings for our family of 4. Netflix also is an outstanding deal for us since we love movies. We replaced buying 2 DVDs a month @ $40 with a $18 a month account that gives us 2 blu-rays at a time and unlimited instant movie downloads.

5. We used cash windfalls, extra money & checks, like tax returns or year end bonuses to pay off debt instead of spending them.

6. We also put money in savings. Not as much as we used to pay debt, but we felt to reduce the risk of recurrence this was necessary. This was pretty easy with a program that our bank has available that moves money into savings every time you use your check card or pay bills online (so we saved a lot) and allows for regular movements of money into savings also on a monthly basis.

7. We went on vacation to visit a relatives house instead of to an expensive hotel and theme park. Of course this relatives house is like a B&B so it wasn't much of a sacrifice but it did save us a bundle.

All these changes, discipline to pay down our debt and a few temporarily drastic changes to our spending really turned things around for us, and have really opened our minds to how being a little more careful about how we spend actually increases our options instead of reduce them. A lot of these changes became habits and even though we are in a different place today we still follow them.

Good friends are hard to find

We have heard that there is an old saying that you can count your closest friends on one hand. We have found that for good friends it is generally less than that. Sure we know and associate with lots of people. People we work with, go to church with, neighbors, parents of our children's friends etc.  On Facebook we are friends with hundreds of people and we are fairly picky about who we friend online. But theres a big difference between people you know and true friends.

For us it has been especially difficult finding and holding onto friends who are married, at a similar point in life, similar age, economic status with similar interests and ideals. Often we find a couple where we like one individual  and not the other, or where their age is similar but their children are much younger. Having started so early with our kids its difficult to find couples with teenagers who are still in their 30s.

We are thankful for the great friends we have now, and despite our very busy lives we work hard to try and keep in touch with them and spend time together. Good friends are invaluable for helping us keep perspective, slow us down from our busy lives and remind us that sometimes its fun just to hang out and talk with good people.

Raising Kids

The topic of raising children, and the "best" way to do so was in the air this week and so we are writing about it...

Raising children is something that everyone has an opinion about and we are no different.  We have observed some people who in our opinion over-shelter their children making it difficult for them to transition into adulthood and others seem to let their children do whatever they want. Like most things we believe that balance, environment, the child's personality and circumstance should be considered when raising children.

For instance, some people will never let their children go to public school for fear of exposing them to beliefs, cultures, actions, words or ideals that do not align with their own.  We believe firmly that while the content that a child is exposed to should be regulated carefully, there is a point where a child needs to be able to put into practice the restraints taught to them at home and so in their middle/high school years, our children have attended public schools.  We know people who are firmly against this practice for plenty of reasons, and we agree it may not be for everyone, but it is working for us.

 As a mostly private school/home schooled child, and one who was carefully guarded from music, movies, words, and beliefs that did not align with my families values I was grossly unprepared for the environment in a public high school, college or workplace.  Entry into the new environments from my carefully built and managed bubble created fear, made it difficult to make friends and ultimately led to some rebellion against my parents.  My wife on the other hand attended public school her entire life, and had less restrictive but engaged parents. Her story is quite different, and she seemed much more able to handle the environment in high school and after with less difficulty. You could say she was better prepared for real life than I was.

Our children now are 13 and 16, well rounded, educated, polite and able to make good decisions on their own even under difficult circumstances. They are in fact, better than we were at the same ages.

When they were younger, we child-proofed our house, then we house-proofed our children, and now we are in the process of world proofing them, not by preventing them from seeing the world as it is, but by allowing open dialog, monitored exposure and new experiences to teach our children how to live.

Experience Matters

There truly no substitute for experience, but only the right experience.  We have worked with and known individuals who have worked the same job, performed the same function, lived in the same place and basically lived within the same small radius their entire life. In some ways, doing the same thing for that long makes you an expert in the details that go along with the daily grind of living and working. The benefit however only comes into play if that expertise can be taught, shared or ported to another similar circumstance. We have both worked at different places, doing different things, some as laborers, some with technology, some as leaders, for non profits, private companies, public enterprises and everything in between and here is what we have learned:

Doing something for a long time doesn't necessarily make you an expert, but never having done something does make you a rookie.

Experience in a lot of different things can make you more agile, flexible and better at problem solving than someone who has a ton of experience at doing one thing.

Just because someone hasn't done something before doesn't mean they won't be able to match people who have been doing it a long time.  Sometimes a fresh perspective and an individual with varied experience will tackle tasks in more efficient ways never thought of by those who have been doing them for a long time.

There are some things that one needs to do repetitively for a very long time to be an expert. Playing the cello for instance is not something where you can use prior experience unless it is with related musical instruments.

Most people learn more by doing than by reading, writing or listening about how to do something.

With this in mind our philosophy is to purposely find new things to gain experience in.  If we don't pick them up well or find the knowledge gained easily applied elsewhere then we try something else.  Some things that are worth the effort we stick with for the long haul, but don't try to do that with everything. Musical instruments are one of the things that take a lot of time and patience and an example of a longer term commitment to gaining experience. Being well rounded has consistently turned out to be of more benefit to us than being an expert in a single thing. Unfortunately we learned this concept by living life rather than in school where life lessons are often overlooked in favor of focused learning on specific concepts.

More About Us

Barry and I met when I was a Junior in high school. You could call us high school sweethearts but only I was in high school. Barry was in college at the time. We dated through the summer and my Senior year. We married 2 weeks after I graduated from high school. I was 17 years old at the time, which made him my legal guardian. And let me say that was really weird to have your spouse as your guardian. I turned 18 4 months after we were married. 2 months later we had our beautiful baby girl, Alexis. It was rough being a teen mom. All my friends disappeared from my life. Which left me no one to talk to or confide in. I went through a lot of loneliness and sadness during this time. Then God brought me a few moms that were able to speak into my life and treat me like an adult. I had to grow up very fast and handle grown up decisions and problems, like jobs, paying bills, finding a place to live, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. People have a habit of judging teen moms and dads as slackers but I wasn't a slacker with my child. Even when we lived with my parents they made sure that Barry and I were the caregivers of our daughter. 3 years after we had our first daughter we were blessed with another beautiful baby girl, Autumn. We have worked very hard to provide for our girls and take care of ourselves. We are so thankful for all the help we were given during the times that our girls were little and even now.

We named our blog "older than we look" because we still have people look at us funny when we say we have a 16 year old. We are old enough to have a child that age and wish people wouldn't give us the crazy looks. I know we look young but we aren't as young as we look.

The Rule of 3

The rule of 3 is simple and finite.

When entertaining girls at your home or sending yours to someone else's, avoid odd numbers if at all possible. There is a phenomenon that occurs when girls are not evenly paired together that causes friction and inevitable hurt feelings within minutes of any gathering. The effects are lessened by a few factors such as the distraction of a large social gathering like a birthday party, however odd numbers can create an issue even in large groups if the girls are not properly distracted.

We know what you are thinking. Not my girls or their friends. True that personalities and upbringing are valid factors extending the time of peace, however the rule of 3 has proven that it is only a matter of time before an issue occurs. 

We believe that the root cause is that girls require complete attention from one another, and that having 3 requires one girl to focus more on one than another leaving someone feeling left out. Girls of course are accutely aware of the priority or lack there of, and immediately take offense. Unlike boys who simply fight it out, the left out girl will mope, complain, whine to their parent, or the one present and may even cry. The other girls will often lash out at this behavior by bullying the outcast girl and making things escalate further. Parental involvement often will not solve the issue, and  may begin a parental feud over who's children are at fault.

It is best to avoid this situation altogether as there is no winning once the problem has started.

The bottom line is 2 girls is good, 4 girls works even better somehow, and 3 should be avoided at all costs. At 5 or 7 make sure you keep them occupied with party games, singing, a camera or some other diversion for safety. On rare occasion a set of 3 for a short duration can work, however even the best friendships will be tested in this scenario, and what is one more girl really.

Our experience has only been with girls and so we are not sure if it applies to boys or not, but we doubt it. The entire issue seems to be the way girls are wired and communicate with one another when there aren't a lot of outside distractions.

This post may seem negative towards girls, however we prefer them to boys and have thoroughly enjoyed raising ours. We hope that the rule of 3 saves you grief, pain and tears.